I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
