You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
