Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
