even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
