the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
