Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
