then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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