Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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