dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
