I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
