Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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