Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
