I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
