Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
