I wish my penis had an off switch
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
