Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
