Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
