life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
