I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
