he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
