whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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