My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
