Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
