Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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