Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
