You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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