3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
