He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
