YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
