I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
