I looked at my own cervix.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
