When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
