I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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