"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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