Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
