I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize