I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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