You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
