Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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