Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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