But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
