i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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