I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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