I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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