at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
