So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Randomize
