Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
