Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think i got beer on your cat.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
