I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
