If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
