she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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