Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
