He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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