i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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