My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
